


What have I done...

by wildfires



Series: Milkovich-Gallaghers [8]
Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Arguing, Engagement, Established Relationship, Fluff, Forgiveness, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-15
Updated: 2015-09-15
Packaged: 2018-04-20 23:54:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4807028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wildfires/pseuds/wildfires
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it. Mick” Ian tried to step towards him again but this time Mickey turned away.</p><p>“I can’t be here right now. I need to go. Sober up Ian, and take your meds.” With that he grabbed his coat and left the house. </p><p>All Ian could do was watch his fiancé leave, frozen in place by the knowledge of what he had just done. When he realised Mickey wasn’t coming back he did exactly what Mickey instructed. He downed a pint of water, swallowed his evening pills and then laid down on the sofa and cried himself to sleep."</p><p>Ian regrets the words as soon as he says them but now there's no taking them back. No matter how much he wants to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What have I done...

**Author's Note:**

> *Shrugs* I'm not sure how good this is :/

A week after the surprise party and Mickey and Ian were fully moved into their new home. They, along with Kev, Lip and Iggy, had lugged over all the bits they’d wanted from the Milkovich house, the rest either going to Mandy and Iggy’s or dumped, and now their house didn’t look so empty, but there were a few more bits that they would have to get eventually, Mickey already picturing the IKEA trip he’d have to take with an overly excited redhead.

Yev had picked out the colour he wanted for his room, green, and the men had chosen for the rest of the house, ‘acquiring’ the paints they needed, and spending the Sunday painting.

 Neither Ian nor Mickey really cared but Debbie and Fiona insisted on faffing with all the smaller more decorate bits, but they both had to admit that they did make the place look better, cosier. Mickey rolling his eyes at the big framed photo of the Gallagher’s sitting pride of place on the mantel piece, as if they were scared that Ian was going to forget his siblings suddenly.

 But Mickey was pleased when a few days later a picture of Mandy, Iggy, Svetlana and Yev joined it. Adding a photo of Ian with his arm around Mickey, both wearing bright smiles, when the redhead wouldn’t notice as well as Yev’s last school photo.

 Ian of course noticed straight away but knew not to make a fuss, content in the fact Mickey had wanted such a noticeable show of their relationship on display.

 

\-------------------------------------------------------

 

It was Friday evening and Mickey was slouched on the sofa flicking through the TV channels waiting for Ian to get home from work. He’d text saying he was going out for a quick drink with some of his colleagues about three hours ago and Mickey was still waiting for him to get back, the dinner he’d made sitting in the oven keeping warm.

He was just considering ringing to see where he was when he heard a fumbling at the door, the key turning in the lock and a tall redhead stumbling through the doorway.

“Heeeeeey, Mickey.” If it wasn’t already obvious by his lack of coordination, Mickey could hear as soon as he spoke that Ian was drunk. Mickey stood up and walked to stand in front of Ian.

“God Ian, how much have you fucking had to drink?” He was actually pretty pissed, Ian knew full well how stupid it was to drink on his meds.

“Only a teeny... tiny itty bit.”

“So a fuck load for you. You know the drugs make you a lightweight and you shouldn’t even be drinking on them at all.”

Ian was still swaying slightly but his face had lost the grin he had come in with. “Oh don’t start Mick, we were just celebrating a bit. No harm done.”

Ian’s words caused Mickey to see red. “No harm done Ian? You could completely fuck up the effect of the meds, we’ll have to go to the doctor to try and right it and it could take months for you to get stable again? Why the fuck would you want to risk that Ian, it’s been good for so fucking long!” While he was angry he had controlled his voice so that he wasn’t shouting at his fiancé, he didn’t want an argument.

“Oh fuck off, its fine. I had a few drink, I had fun, let me just be fucking normal for once ay Mickey.”

“You don’t need to drink to have fun! And you are normal Ian, but you do have Bipolar, you have to look after yourself, you have to let me look after you!” Mickey felt like he was pleading with Ian now.

“WHAT IF I DON’T WANT YOU TO LOOK AFTER ME ALL THE TIME MICKEY?”

“TOUGH. IT’S MY JOB IAN.”

“I’M NOT A CHILD, IT SHOULDN’T BE YOUR JOB. IT’S ME WITH BIPOLAR NOT YOU, WHAT DO YOU KNOW!?”

Both boys stilled, even in his inebriated state Ian realised what he had just said. He stepped forward trying to reach out to Mickey, but the brunet just stepped back, shying from his touch.

“Mick I didn’t…” Mickey just shook his head, his eyes turning glassy.

“What do I know? WHAT DO I KNOW?” He let out an unhappy laugh.

“I know that when you wouldn’t get out of fucking bed I looked after you, I made sure you didn’t die of dehydration. I washed you, I laid with you every night even though you wouldn’t even look at me and you were lying in your own piss. I know that when you were high I sat at home as you left me time after time, worrying about you, wondering if you were safe. I know I forgave you when you fucked other people, when you did the porno and then came home to me not understanding what you had done was wrong. I know I understood when you took Yev. I know that even after all that you broke up with me, I know I loved you and you sent me away. I know you stood there as Sammi SHOT me. I know you fucking broke me.” Mickey chest was heaving from his words as well as the tears he was failing to hold back, but he wasn’t finished.

“And I know that when you got better I let you back into my life, I know I love you so much I gave you everything and now I know that you would throw all that away just because you wanted a FUCKING DRINK.” Mickey looked at Ian then, not able to stop himself from crying.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it. Mick” Ian tried to step towards him again but this time Mickey turned away.

“I can’t be here right now. I need to go. Sober up Ian, and take your meds.” With that he grabbed his coat and left the house.

All Ian could do was watch his fiancé leave, frozen in place by the knowledge of what he had just done. When he realised Mickey wasn’t coming back he did exactly what Mickey instructed. He downed a pint of water, swallowed his evening pills and then laid down on the sofa and cried himself to sleep.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------

 

Mickey didn’t have a destination in mind but he had to get away from Ian. Part of him knew Ian hadn’t meant it but it didn’t stop the words forming a painful vice on his heart. He’d done all he could for the redhead, yet Ian didn’t understand the pain he had been in for him also.

He walked the streets, everything blurry from the tears he still couldn’t control. Stopping off at a liquor store and grabbing a bottle of vodka, the cashier giving him a funny look. He didn’t even have it in him to tell her to fuck off.

He’d drunk half the bottle when he stopped outside the destination his feet had unconsciously taken him to. His old house. It was empty now, but it was still officially the ‘Milkovich house’ for another month or so. He walked up the steps and entered, a strong wave of nostalgia washed over him even with the rooms now completely bare. How many times had he stumbled through the door drunk or high before? How many time had he done it after Ian had broken up with him?

He knew he’d been a mess back then, so bad it had caused Iggy to worry. Iggy managed to get his younger brother to a somewhat decent state, but Mickey only really stopped drinking when he and Ian had gotten back together, never telling Ian that nor just how bad things had gotten, too ashamed of how heartbroken he had been.

He walked through the empty rooms, ending up in his old bedroom, some of his posters still stuck up, the only thing other than himself and the four walls, one of them was the handwritten ‘Fuck Love’ that he had done when he was 13 or so. Around the time he realised he was gay and thought he was fucked for life. Ian had changed all that for him so now, after their argument, those words just taunted him.

He felt a bubble of rage build up inside him. Throwing the still partly full glass bottle at the opposite wall, it shattering and the pieces falling onto the worn carpet, he went up to the wall ripping all the posters off, aware of the sobs leaving his mouth. He then let his body lean against the wall and slide down till he was sitting curled up and crying surrounded by the crumpled paper, until he was too exhausted and he fell asleep.

 

\--------------------------------------------------

 

The first thing Ian noticed when he woke up was the pain in his head. Confused for a second as to why it felt like a hangover until he remembered that’s exactly what it was. The events of last night suddenly coming back to him so vividly that he forgot about the pain completely. How could he have said those things to Mickey, after everything the man had done for him. He stood up and called out, hoping that maybe Mickey had come home at some point during the night.

When he got no answer, he went and checked all the rooms just in case, but didn’t find his fiancé. Ian realised he must have slept at Mandy and Iggy’s and so got out his phone to ring Mandy.

“Hey Ian.” Mandy answered.

Relieved that she didn’t sound angry at him, although maybe Mickey hadn’t told her what happened he responded “Hey Mands can I talk to Mickey please?”

“Erm, no.”

“Look please I just want to see if he’s alright!”

“Ian what the fuck are you talking about, why would Mick be at ours?”

“Wait, he didn’t come to yours last night?”

“Why the fuck would he, what happened?”

“Shit where is he?” Ian asked himself.

“Ian. Tell me what happened?”

“We had an argument. I… I had a drink, I was drunk Mandy and I know it was stupid but when Mickey told me that I flipped. I know I shouldn’t drink on my meds, he was just looking out for me but I got angry and… I fucked up.”

Mandy’s voice was serious now. “What did you do Ian?”

“I told him… I told him he didn’t understand what the Bipolar was like.” Ian all but whispered the words.

“YOU WHAT? YOU BASTARD IAN GALLAGHER!” Mandy screamed down the phone at him, but Ian couldn’t blame her, he knew he deserved it.

“I know.” Mandy didn’t answer for a moment or so, her voice more normal when she did, suggesting she had been allowing herself to calm down.

“I understand it’s you that got the short straw with the Bipolar, it fucking sucks and we can never know what that’s like for you. But Mickey. He essentially can. He suffered with you when you were down, and when you were high and everything felt great, he was still suffering. And he damn well suffered when you broke up. How could you be so selfish?”

“I know Mandy, I fucking know. I messed up again but I need to find him now. What if something happened last night and that’s why he didn’t come home?” Those thoughts hadn’t even occurred to him until then.

“Calm down. He’ll be fine. How about I go check with Fiona and that lot and maybe head to the Alibi and see if he was in last night, you see if he’s in any of the places that you think he might head to.”

“Okay, and if you find him. Tell him how sorry I am.”

“You can tell him that yourself Ian. I’ll speak to you later.” Mandy hung up without waiting for a response.

Ian was just heading out when he thought of something, backtracking to the kitchen to take his morning dose. The worst thing he could do for Mickey right now was not to keep on top of his meds, not after the damage he might have already done last night.

 

\-----------------------------------------

 

Ian had checked the abandoned building and the baseball park, he had even gone down to Boystown to see if he had been to a club. He found no sign of him and was thankful for that, the idea of him being here while upset with Ian was something he didn’t want to think about. Although he then remembered that this was Mickey and no matter how upset or drunk he got, he would never do anything like cheat. That was more Ian’s thing.

 Mandy had called to say the Gallaghers hadn’t seen him and Iggy had asked Kev who’d said Mickey hadn’t been in the alibi at all after his shift ended yesterday afternoon.

Ian was getting frantic, considering going home with the hope that maybe he had come back while Ian had been out looking, but it was when he was driving down a familiar street that he had another idea.

Parking outside the Milkovich house, he shut the engine off locked the door and walked up the steps and into the grubby building.

At first it didn’t appear as if anyone was there, but once Ian walked further in he could see someone in what used to be his old bedroom.

Ian walked in and his heart hurt at the sight of Mickey, curled in what amounted to the foetal position, tear marks still evident on his sleeping face, a smashed alcohol bottle at the other end of the room. Ian had done this to Mickey.

He lent down beside the man and gentle shook Mickey’s shoulders, stopping when he started to stir, placing a hand lovingly on his cheek when Mickey lifted his head and looked at the redhead.

“Mick baby. I’m so sorry, are you okay?”

Mickey shook his head and Ian felt like crying.

But before he could speak again Mickey surged forward to hug him, his grip painfully hard. He didn’t make a sound but Ian could feel the wetness of the tears that were falling again. Ian just gripped the brunet back just as hard, afraid to let him go, speaking into Mickey’s neck.

“What I said last night was unforgivable but I’m so fucking sorry Mickey. I was drunk and I was stupid and I messed up. I mess up a lot, and you’ve always been there for me! I need to appreciate that more. The fact that through everything you’re always there.”

Ian pulled back and took Mickey’s face in his hands. “When you bought me the house I promised you I would treasure you for the rest of my life. And I’ve already failed that! But I love you Mickey Milkovich and I fucking promise that from now on I will try to always appreciate everything you do for me. And fuck knows that’s a lot.”

Mickey’s piercing blue eyes stared at Ian while he spoke and when he finished Mickey nodded.

“I’m not gonna lie, what you said fucking hurt. But I know you didn’t mean it, not completely anyway.” Ian tried to disagree but Mickey just shook his head.

“No, part of you meant it. You’re angry, angry that the Bipolar is never gonna go away. Hell, you deserve to be angry. But not with me! Don’t you ever take that out on me again. You have no right to get annoyed when I try to look after you because we both know what happens when the bipolar isn’t dealt with. And I can’t see you go through that again, not just for my sake but for yours. I can’t see you suffer like that again.”

Ian just nodded, standing up and offering his hand to Mickey, who took it and allowed the redhead to help pull him up.

“I know Mick. I fucked up, and I’m gonna fuck up again, but I promise never to take it out on you when my condition gets too much for me. Shit, I couldn’t deal with it without you. Do you forgive me?”

Mickey smiled a little. “Yeah I forgive you, but you pull this crap again and I’m gonna punch you in the balls.”

Ian laughed softly, his anxiety easing when he took Mickey’s hand and his fiancé squeezed his softly.

“I have a feeling next time I see Mandy she’ll do that for you. I rang up trying to find you and had to tell her what happened. I don’t think she’s my best friend anymore.”

I thought I was your best friend?”

Well of course you are, but you’re so much more than that Mick!”

Mickey looked up at the redhead and saw the sincerity in his green eyes.

“I love you.”

“I love you too Mick.”

“Ian.”

“Yeah?”

“Take me home.”

“Yeah, let’s go home.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> As always thank you for the comments and kudos!! Let me know what you think!


End file.
